Video Blog 2

Video Blog 1

I Am Alice.

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. “Which road do I take?” she asked. “Where do you want to go?” was his response. “I don’t know,” Alice answered. “Then,” said the cat, “it doesn’t matter."


And so here I am. Again. I am Alice, alone on a path, with no idea where I want to go.


I'm starting a completely new life. My own life, alone. A new apartment, all to myself. A new life, all to myself.


Dorothy just wanted to go home. Perhaps I was too taken with the ruby red slippers, and now my home is gone.


I do not want this change, not because I am afraid of change, or being on my own. It's just hard to imagine a life without him in it.


In a few shorts days, a rental company will call me. I'll come in, I'll sign a lease. I'll move out of a home, a home that I helped build, a home that is no longer mine. I will try to make a new home, for myself, in a new place.


The White Rabbit was so concerned with time, always exclaiming that he was late. And so I am late, in seeing my faults, and far too late to fix what I watched disappear, oblivious, unaware, ignorant.


It will be a long time before I heal, because of the desperation I feel. I know that it is not attractive, but it is the way that I am. A very large chunk of my heart is gone, a chunk that I will never get back. I can only encourage my heart to grow, so that there is another chunk just as big to give to someone else, when the time comes.


I want to be someone spontaneous, romantic, hopelessly in love, easy-going. I used to be all of those things, but somewhere down the line I lost it, trying to be what I thought a "Mature" person was like.


Alice and Dorothy both found their way home, eventually. So it's my turn to take that adventure, following the yellow brick road, through the Mad Hatter's forest, until I can find my way home. Wherever that may be.

Stevie Nicks, I will always love you.

Dreams. 

Now there you go again

You say

You want your freedom

Well who am I to keep you down?

It's only right that you should 

play the way you feel it

But listen carefully to the sound

Of the loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you

Mad

In the stillness of remembering

What you had.

And what you lost.

And what you had.

And what you lost.

Oh, thunder only happens when it's raining

Players only love you when they're playing

Say, women, they will come

and they will go

When the rain washes

You clean

You'll know

You'll know.

Now here I go again

I see

The crystal vision

I keep my visions to myself.

It's only me that wants to wrap around your dreams

and

Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?

Dreams of loneliness.

Like a heartbeat drives you

Mad

In the stillness of remembering

What you had.

And what you lost.

And what you had.

And what you lost.

Oh, thunder only happens when it's raining

Players only love you when they're playing

Women, they will come

and they will go

When the rain washes

You clean

You'll know

Oh, thunder only happens when it's raining

Players only love you when they're playing

Say, women, they will come

and they will go

When the rain washes

You clean

You'll know

You'll know.

You will know.

Oh, you'll know.

Ads.

So here I am, 2 am on a Wednesday night/Thursday morning, innocently stalking people I don't know that well on Facebook, when an ad pops up on the sidebar:

GAY SCUBA DIVING! MAKE YOUR RESERVATION TODAY!

First I was like, What the hell? GAY scuba diving? GAY SCUBA DIVING? What does that even mean? How is gay scuba diving any different from normal scuba diving? I bet it's more expensive and I have to wear less clothes.

I imagine it would look something like this:

And now I really want to go Gay scuba diving.

Dancing.

Last week, Shane and I were watching a particularly boring movie (in my opinion, anyway.) I tried to keep myself awake to the credits.

The credits finally rolled, and a super fun, dance-y song started playing. Shane jumped up and jovially asked me if I wanted to dance.

I was ecstatic. Shane and I had never really danced before, unless you count some buzzed nights at nightclubs, and that's not really dancing as much as... well, you've seen drunk people dancing. You know what it looks like. Anyway, I jumped up at the proposition.

Unfortunately, instead of taking my waist and dancing with me, he picked up Dance Central for our XBox360.

I sat back down, winded. I was sure we were going to have this insanely romantic, disgustingly cute moment where we'd dance together, kiss, and then the dog would jump between us and we'd let him give us puppy kisses. Then our cat would come into the room and, even though she and the dog don't really get along all the time, she and the dog would cuddle up together and we'd all be a happy family.

This was just a fantasy.

In a few minutes, when the game started up, I'd already forgotten about my lost dream and danced to Lady Gaga.

Dance Central 1, Me 0.

So What if I Like to Sing?

A few weeks ago, I found myself home alone and needing to relax. So, I had a glass of red wine. I still wasn't feeling very relax-y, so I drew myself a bath, put on music, and poured myself another glass of wine.

Feeling refreshed, I got out of the bath and started to blow-dry my hair.

Sara Bareilles came onto my iPod, so I started singing along. I had to sing loud, so that I could hear myself over the blowdryer.

Whilst singing loudly and blowdrying my hair (Naked, nevertheless), my fiance got home.

I didn't notice at first, and just sang louder.

He made fun of me, telling me that I looked ridiculous.

I never sang in the bathroom again.

My New Love

I've been gone on a Choir tour in Puerto Rico, and the trip was absolutely amazing. I can't even describe how amazing it was. And of course I found a way to go shopping...

We were touring Old San Juan with the entire choir, and our tour guide said that we would be taking ten to fifteen minutes to check out the church we'd be singing at the following day. I, on the other hand, slipped off around the corner with my lovers Janet and Hailee to check out the Coach outlet store. The first bag I picked up is, as titled, my new love:

It's bright, it's springy, I love it, and I got it for 75% off of the original price.

Also from Puerto Rico:

An "authentic" Panama hat. It's not going to match much, but it's so my personality.

When I got back to good ole' chilly Iowa, I had money left over from the trip, and my fiance Shane brought up that I could save some money for my 19th Century Literature class by buying a Nook, since all of the books for the class are out of copyright and free on B&N.com... so I did it!

It it beautiful.

In other shopping news, I wanted a wallet and keychain to match my new bag (since all of mine are either brown or black). I knew that I wouldn't find an exact match since I got the bag at an outlet, so I went to the Tanger Coach outlet store and matched it up with these:

It's got lime green in the print, a blue that matches the bag's lining, and it has my trademark color orange. Win win win. Also purchased at an amazing price.

And in other OTHER shopping news, I have been DYING to buy these rainboots at Target, but they were almost forty bucks... so I waited and bought them today for 75% off. I rock.

Infamous_Ian