One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. “Which road do I take?” she asked. “Where do you want to go?” was his response. “I don’t know,” Alice answered. “Then,” said the cat, “it doesn’t matter."
And so here I am. Again. I am Alice, alone on a path, with no idea where I want to go.
I'm starting a completely new life. My own life, alone. A new apartment, all to myself. A new life, all to myself.
Dorothy just wanted to go home. Perhaps I was too taken with the ruby red slippers, and now my home is gone.
I do not want this change, not because I am afraid of change, or being on my own. It's just hard to imagine a life without him in it.
In a few shorts days, a rental company will call me. I'll come in, I'll sign a lease. I'll move out of a home, a home that I helped build, a home that is no longer mine. I will try to make a new home, for myself, in a new place.
The White Rabbit was so concerned with time, always exclaiming that he was late. And so I am late, in seeing my faults, and far too late to fix what I watched disappear, oblivious, unaware, ignorant.
It will be a long time before I heal, because of the desperation I feel. I know that it is not attractive, but it is the way that I am. A very large chunk of my heart is gone, a chunk that I will never get back. I can only encourage my heart to grow, so that there is another chunk just as big to give to someone else, when the time comes.
I want to be someone spontaneous, romantic, hopelessly in love, easy-going. I used to be all of those things, but somewhere down the line I lost it, trying to be what I thought a "Mature" person was like.
Alice and Dorothy both found their way home, eventually. So it's my turn to take that adventure, following the yellow brick road, through the Mad Hatter's forest, until I can find my way home. Wherever that may be.
And so here I am. Again. I am Alice, alone on a path, with no idea where I want to go.
I'm starting a completely new life. My own life, alone. A new apartment, all to myself. A new life, all to myself.
Dorothy just wanted to go home. Perhaps I was too taken with the ruby red slippers, and now my home is gone.
I do not want this change, not because I am afraid of change, or being on my own. It's just hard to imagine a life without him in it.
In a few shorts days, a rental company will call me. I'll come in, I'll sign a lease. I'll move out of a home, a home that I helped build, a home that is no longer mine. I will try to make a new home, for myself, in a new place.
The White Rabbit was so concerned with time, always exclaiming that he was late. And so I am late, in seeing my faults, and far too late to fix what I watched disappear, oblivious, unaware, ignorant.
It will be a long time before I heal, because of the desperation I feel. I know that it is not attractive, but it is the way that I am. A very large chunk of my heart is gone, a chunk that I will never get back. I can only encourage my heart to grow, so that there is another chunk just as big to give to someone else, when the time comes.
I want to be someone spontaneous, romantic, hopelessly in love, easy-going. I used to be all of those things, but somewhere down the line I lost it, trying to be what I thought a "Mature" person was like.
Alice and Dorothy both found their way home, eventually. So it's my turn to take that adventure, following the yellow brick road, through the Mad Hatter's forest, until I can find my way home. Wherever that may be.
You'll get your heart back, dear one. It just takes time for the ripped-out piece to grow back. It's hard to wait, because the mending is such a slow one-stitch-at-a-time process, but trust me as someone who really, really knows: it will happen. One day you'll wake up and realize you're all one piece again, and you'll be surprised, because you thought it wasn't possible. But it is. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat big hugs to you.